Pray Away The Kook-ie

As impossible as sane people might find this, CNN has a religious dipshit who honesty and with no hint of irony, advises people to  "pray away the cookies" this Christmas.  I'm not joking, Keith Wommack really is that stupid.  In the aftermath of the "Pray away the gay" idiocy of Michele Bachmann, and her ignoramus husband Marcus's pseudoscientific "de-gay-if-ication" clinic, this dumbass religious kook Wommack still obliviously touts prayer as the answer to any temptation.  Given that prayer doesn't work worth a shit for almost anything, from curing gays, to making you thin, I am hesitant to advise it, but I would rather that people Pray Away the Kook-ies like like crazy extremist Keith Wommack.  Even better than prayer, they can simply recommend that CNN stop publishing the idiotic ramblings of every religious moron out there.  Wouldn't that be nice?

Baby Jebus Hates Tebow This Xmas

Despite saying a prayer every time he wipes his ass and every 5 seconds on the football field, Tim Tebow and the Broncos got STOMPED by the Bills on Xmas Eve.  These were the same Bills who had a seven game LOSING streak before their shocking victory over Denver.  What happened to make God hate Tebow so much that he would allow the NFLs most santimonious, in-your-face Christian extremist lose 40-14 on the day before xmas?   Did he not mutter the proper incantations, facing his prayer mat in the proper direction?  Did god want him to light incense slay a heifer before him?  Does God want him to pray only in Latin or Hebrew or Koine Greek?  Perhaps it has something to do with a little thing called, Mathew Chapter 6:  "Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven....And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full.  But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."  If the God that Tebow claims to believe in really exists, then his vainglorious, public display of religiosity may very well have something to do with last nights loss.

Merry ChristMyth, ChristHoles

One day a year, Christian extremists give the world the best gift of all -- they stop being complete and utter assholes, for one WHOLE day!  It really is a remarkable transformation, though it is largely accidental.  See they are too busy greedily consuming their cookies and candy and presents to remember that they have a holy obligation to be assholes.  But they will soon go to church, especially this christmyth, since it's on a Sunday, making it a two-fer.  When they go, the priestHole will remind them that the GodHole and Baby JebusHole both absolutely demand that their followers comport themselves as total effing assholes for every waking second of every day.  But christHoles will still probably be too distracted with stuffing their fat faces with Christmas dinner to manage to be proper assholes again until at least December 26th.  In the mean time, the rest of the world breathes a sigh of relief that we get a one day reprieve from the assholic scourge that is extremist christianity.  Oh happy day, indeed.

Why Hitchens Cannot Be Burning In Hell Right Now

EVILgelical Christians despised Christopher Hitchens for debunking their nonsensical beliefs, and I'm sure that many of them are gleefully celebrating his death, like the no-class, hate-filled scum that they are.  As John Loftus points out, they will certainly smugly conclude that "Hitchens is burning in hell" right now.  Here is why they are wrong (aside from the fact that Hell doesn't exist and has little or no biblical basis).

To begin with, if we even provisionally take "hell" seriously, it is a torture chamber devised by a mind immensely more fiendish than Saddam Hussein and Moammar Gadhafi combined.  At least Saddam could only torture people for a finite amount of time.  He had to take it easy to make sure that he didn't kill his victims right away, or he would be unable to prolong their agony.  Blasphemous EVILgelical Christians claim that God is even more wicked and depraved than people like Saddam Hussein could ever be, because he uses magical powers to keep his victims alive indefinitely, so that he can torture them without end, not to teach them any kind of reformative lesson mind you, but merely as revenge for their refusal to comply with his demands.

Of course, it's not clear how this system can work.  Torture is physical pain inflicted upon a person's physical body.  There is also mental anguish, but these are impulses within the physical brain.  When the brain dies it can no longer register any pain or anguish.  When the body dies its nerves no longer send pain impulses to the brain.  We only have one body and it doesn't disappear out of the coffin and get magically teleported to hell, where ever that is.  It stays in the ground and rots, or is burnt up in cremation after the brain has already died.  So how is God inflicting physical suffering upon it? 

To accomplish this, religious people propose various dubious "solutions".  One is that God physically restores even a cremated body, atom by atom, just for the purpose of torturing it and has to continually rebuild it just so he can burn it again endlessly in his Lake of Fire.  That seems to be a lot of work, but it would also be a waste of God's time, because God would only be torturing a clone of me, not the "me" that existed before I died the first time.  

This is a problem that philosophers have long discussed in guises such as the Ship of Achilles.  To slightly reframe, if someone makes a copy of me and then tortures that copy, it's not clear how that could have any of effect upon the original me.  It would be like a future scientist finding a way to rebuild Napoleon from the DNA level, only so that he could then kill him again.  This would have no bearing on the original Napoleon, who lived his life and died long ago.  

To get around this problem, some religious types propose that there is a special, non-physical, non-detectable entity called a "spirit" or a "soul" that exists independent of the body.  They say that it is only this spirit that God sends to hell.  However, a non-physical entity cannot be burned by physical fire.  It's not clear how a non-physical entity could experience any kind of physical pain.  It might experience psychological anguish, but then again, it might be perfectly happy no longer having a body.  That would be up to the individual personality of this hypothetical "spirit".

So again, it's not clear how God would torture such a being.  Perhaps some "spirits" would regret not being on God's good side, but it's not clear how a spirit could enjoy the physical pleasures of heaven any more than it could suffer the physical tortures of hell.  God might deny a spirit access to his mental capabilities, but not everyone wants to "know the mind of God", if that is even possible.  However, before we worry about any of that, we first need to know that it is even possible for a non-physical "soul" or "spirit" to exist and so far none of the evidence seems very good.  All we have is a few "ghost hunting" plumbers running around dropping their cameras and getting scared of the dark.  

On top of that, hell is the inherently ridiculous, unjust and morally repulsive notion that imperfect beings might be infinitely tortured for finite and limited offenses.  If only God is perfect then surely he does not expect anyone other than himself to be capable of perfection.  The notion that he would punish people for being imperfect by his own design is the height of absurdity.  It would be like torturing a six-month-old baby to death for not knowing calculus despite the fact that nobody would reasonably expect a baby to know calculus. How much more absurd would it be to continue torturing that baby forever for something that it simply cannot change?  In a like way, some people are simply incapable of believing in Jesus.  It's not like many of us haven't tried.  It's simply that the claims made about Jesus are idiotic and the "evidence" used for calling him the messiah is laughable.  It is not our fault that the evidence is so bad and so clearly suggests that we should not believe a word of it.  People like Hitchens seriously studied the claims of religions like Christianity and simply found them to be lacking. 

So, even if God could punish Hitchen's "soul" or a copy of his atoms for failing to believe some particular dogma, which varies from religion to religion, it's not clear why any moral being would want to engage in such an activity.  That's why I know that Hitchens is not burning in hell using intellect rather than the fear and ignorance of faith.  

Christopher Hitchens Gone But Ne'er Forgoten

I lion is lost to us in the passing of Christopher Hitchens yesterday from complications due to cancer.  As fearless physically as he was intellectually, Christopher Hitchens worked as a war correspondent and political commentator for decades, challenging every sacred cow of establishment sensibilities, while also becoming a successful and prolific author.  Most recently Hitchens has become known for the promotion of "new atheism" in works like _God is Not Great:  How Religion Poisons Everything_.  While Hitchens is gone his body of hundreds of articles, speeches, books, and interviews lives on.  His wit will be missed, but her certainly did not die in vain.

Satan Worshipper O'donnell Endorses Plastic Mitt Romney

Confessed former Satan worshipper, and drunken strumpet Chrisine O'Donnell, whose own political acumen only extends to being trounced in one Senatorial election, has returned to politics and decided to endorse Mitt Romney.  This is not a good "omen" for Romney, since her endorsement is the kiss of death for whomever may be unlucky enough to receive it.  This is a woman who spent campaign contributions on personal living expenses, and we are supposed to trust her "judgment".  She is almost singlehandedly responsible for Republicans losing their bid to take control of the Senate last time, and now apparently she wants to cement that reputation by endorsing Plastic Mitt Romney  who will certainly lose badly in the 2012 presidential election.  I was about to say "if Republicans have any brains...", but I realized that would be a waste of words.  Still, even with the meager intellects that most Republicans possess, they should consider O'Donnell a good reverse barometer for their party, and vote for anyone but the person she hexes with her witchy endorsement.

Christmas Tree Proves Christmas Is Not Christian Holiday

Each year we hear the false claim that Jesus is the "reason for the season", to which many non-Christians correctly reply "no, axial tilt is the reason for the season".  Of course, what Christians are really trying to do is brag that they have a holiday at the end of the year with the word "christ" in it.  If they knew anything about the meaning of the Greek word "Christos" then they should know that this is not Jesus's last name.  It simply means "anointed one" and can refer to a great many people.  Jews too had their "anointed ones" or "messiahs" as well, who were various "heros" of old, such as king Saul.  So Christians don't really get off to a good start, given that most of them don't have any understanding of the meaning or origin of their own title.

However, even if we grant that they are followers of a guy named Jesus, whom we are told was called "the Christ", it's not clear how they associate this holiday with anything taught by Jesus.  Surely Jesus knew his own birthday, and presumably it would have been a trivial matter to record it, or to reveal it at some later date.  Surely, if he wanted them to celebrate his birthday on a yearly basis he could have mentioned it to his followers or talked about it in the Gospels.  How is it that Jesus missed talking about what many Christians will tell you is the most important day of the year in the Christian calendar?  

Furthermore, not only does Jesus fail to talk about any kind of date for his birth that is to be celebrated, but it is not at all clear how symbols like evergreens or decorated Christmas trees would have anything to do with him.  Furthermore, despite some ridiculous, transparently revisionistic myths attempting to claim that tree decorating customs were invented by Christians, it is quite clear that the evergreens had special significance to various pagans, who were animists and nature worshippers, believing that special spirits and magic powers resided in trees.  The Greeks, Romans, Scandinavians, and even Egyptians among others, decorated with green tree matter, during the winter months and leading up to the winter solstice, far before any of the myths associated with Christians.  The Old Testament even mentions pagan customs of cutting down trees and decorating them in Jeremiah 10:2-4 and condemns the practice.  

One of the dumbest, most laughable myths that some Christians use to try to explain why they use a Christmas tree is that of Saint Boniface, who was a Christian missionary to the Germans in the Eight Century AD, making him quite a late-comer to this game!  Of course, 99% or Christians have probably never even heard this before, and it is certainly not any kind of official teaching.  You might ask yourself if you've ever heard of this story, if you are a Christian, before proceeding further.  Anyway, the myth is that Saint Boniface found some pagans making a sacrifice to an oak tree and so he ran over and cut it down (with his chainsaw, apparently), and an evergreen popped up in its place, with the green representing resurrection, and the triangular shape representing the Trinity.  

Of course this "explanation" doesn't pass the sniff test on any level whatsoever.  Not only does the story sound like utter nonsense, but it doesn't explain why Christians would kill an evergreen tree and take it into their houses or why they would decorate it or why they would do it at this time of year.  If the evergreen represents resurrection then presumably they would have these trees at EASTER, not Christmas, and they would probably not be killing these trees as a symbol of eternal life.    

On the other hand, many pagans had traditions, such as Yuletide, which involving taking an evergreen into one's house far before the Eight Century.  It's mentioned in the Eddas in the Fourth century.  In particular, they decorated it with things like bells so that they could hear the movements of the spirit that might inhabit the tree.  They brought the tree indoors because it was the winter months and they wanted to give the spirit who resided in the tree a warm home.  A large Yule Log was burned to symbolically represent the rekindling of the Sun's warmth.  The Boniface myth can't quite explain that one either.  

If Saint Boniface "invented" the Christmas tree then not only did he do it far after the Pagans were already doing it, but apparently his "invention" was forgotten for almost another thousand years, because decorated trees didn't start becoming popular again in Germany again until about the 1600's.    It didn't catch on in the rest of the Christian world until the 1800's when the German tradition was imported to Victorian England.  That seems pretty strange if Boniface worked such a memorable "miracle".  

Of course, to hear Christians today, you would think that tree decorating was commanded by Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount.  They believe that they own and invented this end-of-year festive season, and many balk at the notion that they would have to SHARE this holiday time (aka the Yule-tide) with any other group of people.  

They also seem to think that they invented gift-giving.  It just goes to show how much at odds Christian beliefs are with reality at this time of year.  

Crazy Pat Robertson Damns United States Again

Extremist religious terror-monger Pat Robertson says that God will punish the United States because of the Obama administration's policy of tying foreign aid human rights, which includes the protection of gay and lesbian minorities.  Pat Robertson has wished God's murderous wrath upon the US before, claiming 9/11 was God's punishment, and claimed that natural disasters, such as Hurricane Katrina were God's punishment as well.  What I want to know is what terrible crime humanity committed to have Pat Robertson inflicted upon us on TV on an almost daily basis.  Surely that punishment is enough to atone for just about anything, all by itself. 

It also makes one wonder if perhaps Pat Robertson, Fred Phelps, etc "doth protest too much".  They must secretly be quite fascinated with it, because it always seems to come up in conversation.  Pat Robertson has actually admitted that he "sowed some wild oats" before he "found Jesus", but he never says what kinds of fields he was plowing.  One has to wonder indeed.  

On the other hand, if Pat Robertson is exclusively straight and never messed around with men even BEFORE he found Jesus then there must have been a non-religious that he was attracted to members of the opposite sex.  Most men are naturally attracted to women, and most women are naturally attracted to men.  However, isn't it conceivable that, occasionally this "natural" system could get inverted in some people so that some men felt a "natural" attraction to other men and some women felt a natural attraction to other "women".  

After all, most men are not just flipping a coin and deciding that they have sexual feelings for women or vice versa.  If that were true then, about half of the time, men would choose women and the other half of the time they would choose men.  In actual fact homosexuality is rarer than that, suggesting that it is not just random choice, but something of a biological anomaly, similar to being left-handed or liking to eat broccoli.  Some people really find broccoli disgusting, and others could eat it all day.  Imagine if broccoli haters like Pat started claiming that it was God's will that broccoli be banned, and that God would punish anyone who ate it, especially if they did so with their left hands.  

Hey, before you dismiss a food preference as over the top, remember that the Hebrew Bible is filled with God's prohibitions against various kinds of "unclean" foods, including pigs, shrimp, and snails, to name but a few.  Christians claim that they don't have to follow any of those alleged Divine Laws of the Old Testament, but curiously often cite the exact same books of the Bible to claim that homosexuality should be prohibited.    Perhaps, one day, homosexuality will be A-OK for Christians, just like bacon, scampi, and escargot.  I wish there were an afterlife, just so we could imagine the look on Robertson face when he saw that.   

Crazy Ron Paul Proclaims Himself Flavor of the Decade

By blind, stupid luck, Ron Paul is polling in SECOND place in the Iowa primaries, only because Herman Cain has finally pulled out.  So Paul lost no time in proclaiming this temporary stroke of luck to be his absolute birth right.  So he has declared that he likes to think of himself as the "flavor of the decade".  The thing is I didn't know that "$h1t for brains" was a popular flavor in any decade, because that's about the only taste infusion that bat$h1t crazy Ronny Paul brings to the table.  The Bush decade has been one of financial catastrophe for the 99% of people who have to work for a living and Ron Paul thinks that the 1% weren't aggressive enough.  

If he and is "so-called"  FREE MARKET had its way it would be legal to conduct human trafficking.  After all, why should the "gub'mint" interfere with your ability to buy and sell people?  That is ultimately what would be legal in a truly "free market" and it is why there has never been any such thing as a 100% free market in the history of the world and there never will be.  In the free market you would be free to buy or sell sex.  You would be free to buy or sell drugs and alcohol with no age restrictions.  In a "free market" you could not even restrict child pornography sales.  Neither I, nor even most Republicans would like to see these things on the market, but at least I have the intellect and honesty to realize that this requires government intervention into the marketplace.  

While most republicans claim to be against abortion, in a free market you could not restrict such a thing.  It would be an intrusion by big gub'mint.  In fact it would require the biggest government of all time to monitor every woman's menstral period 24/7 to make sure that she wasn't aborting a potential pregnancy.  

That would only be the tip of the iceberg for the mythical "free market".  Welcome to Ron Paul's new flavor of the century, though it smells distinctly like the same old "freeper bull$h1t" that they've been serving up for the last fifty years.  

Horny Herman Thought Pokeman Was A Porno

Horny Herman Cain has finally admitted that he quoted a theme song to Pokeman in one of his debate speeches.  Of course, in fairness to Herman Cain, he probably thought Pokeman was a guy like him, trying to poke his schlong into anything that moved.  If he had known that Pokeman was actually just for sexless geeks who got no game where it counts, then he probably would have been like "Aww Hell NO!"....except that actually it sounds like Cain couldn't figure out how to score very successfully either, even when using "do you want a job or not" as his principal pickup line.  Oh well, I got to use up the last of my Herman Cain jokes before he completely vanishes from the public consciousness, which will be about another five seconds from now.

Plastic Mitt Romney Now 3rd Place Behind Newt and Crazy Ronny

The exit of Pokemon-quoting halfwit Herman Cain has blasted the Newtered Newt Gingrich into undeserved front-runner status, but now apparently crazy Ronny Paul is in SECOND PLACE in IOWA. What happened to the PLASTIC-HAIRED MORMON, you might be asking?  Well the news looks bad for Plastic Man Mitt, the only serious candidate that Republicans had.  Plastic Mitt has now dropped to THIRD PLACE behind these two jokers because apparently Republicans have just COMPLETELY GIVEN UP on winning the Presidency in 2012.  The odds of boring, absent-minded history professor Newt, turned lecher and lobbyist, beating a dynamic incumbent like Obama are essentially non-existent.

However, in some ways it is deeply ironic that Newt Gingrich, the architect of the economic free-fall we have today, the champion of tax cuts for the rich and spending cuts for the poor, the quintessential trickle-down, voodoo economics cheerleader, may now be made to answer for the ruin and devastation that Republican policies have caused for this country.  This is the man who abolished those pesky regulations on Wall Street and banking, and thinks it's a great thing for US firms to fire American workers and send the jobs overseas to China.  This is a guy who think that child labor laws in the US are stupid and that poor children should be put to work as janitors in their schools.  Newt went on to say that the only work experience that poor children in the US have is committing illegal activities.  Of course none of this is consistent with actual facts, but this is the "scholar" that Republicans have now chosen over Mr. Poke-it-in Pokeman Herman Cain.  

How Long Before Cain Is Kicked to Curb by Wife?

Let's get real here.  Cain's wife knew he was seeing women on the side.  Now that he has humiliated her in front of the entire nation, how long will it be before she is approached by a lawyer who explains that she can take him to the cleaners in divorce court.  Hey, maybe she can hire Gloria Allred too, just like the other victims of Horny Herman's sex abuse.  Or maybe she can enlist some of the lawyers involved in the Jerry Sandusky case.

Of course, there is a chance that she doesn't have the courage or self-respect to do this, but that is about the only thing that may prevent her from immediately KICKING HORNY HERMAN TO THE CURB.  If she does not then it makes her no better than any of the other $5 hoes that Horny Herman has been trying to bang.

Perhaps his appearance in divorce court will be the last that we have to hear of the public embarrassment known as Herman Cain.  

Horny Herman Cain IS HISTORY. It's OVER Biatch!

Good riddance to horrid, whoring rubbish.  The Cain Train has WRECKED, failed and derailed, just as I predicted.  It is now in the junk heap of history where it belongs, along with the rest of the Tea Party agenda.  The Koch brothers have proven their congenital idiocy yet again by backing this guy.

Herman Cain has finally done the first intelligent thing in his campaign, which is following my three point plan of (1) Sit Down (2) Shut the F*CK UP and (3) Go away. I call it my 3-3-3 plan for Herman Cain.  Of course, it wasn't because he had any honor or decency.  It was because he was polling at 6% and wants to pocket the money that morons have contributed to his "not-a-chance-in-hell" campaign effort.  You can expect that he probably won't pay his staff their final salaries.  

Cain really showed how stupid tea-baggers are who would actually give money to scandal-ridden incompetent like him.  Horney Herman knew all about the potential for these sex scandals derail his campaign from DAY 1, having previously run for Senate, and yet, he was still so mentally-challenged that he thought he could run for president without these things surfacing.  His wife knew all about his whoring around too.  Yet she wasn't swift enough to tell him not to run either and disgrace them both in the process.  

Michele Bachmann has been saying positive things about Cain, now that he's bowed out.  That's probably because Cain boned Bachmann in the A*$, just like he did to the rest of his followers.  You can see Cain groping Bachmann like a five-dollar floosie right here.  Maybe Herman-ATE-Her.  Is that why they call him the Herman-ator.  I just have to use up my Cain jokes, since nobody is going to care about him tomorrow or for the rest of time.

Oh well, it is too bad to lose such a laughably moronic candidate as Horny Herman, but I'm sure that Newt Gingrich will step into the vacuum, which represents the collective lack of Republican intellectual capacity, and say things just as dumb or dumber than Cain.  Gingrich has his own sex scandals, having banged his staffers while married, and served divorce papers to his first wife as she lay dying of cancer in the hospital.  Yep, he's a real classy guy like that.  He should easily take up the slack for Horny Herman in the scandals and hypocrisy departments.  

Dick-Brain Cain: Sit Down, Shut UP, Go Away 4 ever

Herman Cain doesn't think with his big head much, but he sure thinks with his penis.  His inability to think with any organ other than his genitalia apparently made him wildly popular with the idiotic and uninformed Republican electorate who elevated him to front-runner status.  This shows what terribly stupid and utterly inept judges of character they were.  Or perhaps they knew exactly what a fraud and phony Cain was.  He was everything that Joe Trailertrash republican wishes he could be:  wildly successful despite being totally incompetent, pathologically manipulative of those around him, and callously exploitative of religion as a mere ploy to gain automatic and undeserved respect to piously cloak one's deviant behavior.   Yep, that's everything that a Republican could wish to be.  Unfortunately, while they all wish they could do that, that can't say so publicly.  Therefore, only about 8% of moronic, diehard tea-baggers are still supporting Cain and stupidly giving him money.  But the Cain Train is about to screech to a halt, and he will walk away with all that money.  

Hey Horny Herman.  I've got a three point plan for you.  See if this is something you can understand.  You need to (1) Sit down (2) Shut the F*ck UP, and (3) Go away 4 ever.  Did you get all that.  Is that too much for your little penis-brain to comprehend?  Saturday is too late for your to "announce" your "decision" about your ridiculous joke of a campaign.  Just do us a favor and implement my three point plan.  I guarantee that you will not be missed or even remembered a few months from now.  

Cain's Wife Knew About Cheating But Ignored It

According to insiders, Gloria Cain knew her husband had girlfriends on the side for years, but intentionally looked the other way.  Herman Cain has all the subtlety of a wrecking ball.  However,  I guess Gloria figured it beat her having to work for a living.  Now she can probably get a nice divorce package out of the deal, and nobody will even blame her.  

The problem is that this makes her a paid sex worker too, just like many of the other women who Horny Herman Cain tried to rape in exchange for jobs.  Apparently she was pressured into defending him on TV against Allred and some of Cain's other accusers, but he doesn't want to have to do that with Ginger White. Wow, it might have taken her 43 years, but she finally managed to put her foot down one time with this manipulator.  

Cain is apparently playing for more time, not to mention hyping and pimping his "decision" about dropping out of his sputtering campaign like it's another f*cking pizza promotional.  I guess he would have to know something about pimping, with all the women who have come forward saying that he tried to solicit their services.  However, like every business Cain has been involved with, he has bungled this one pretty badly.