Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Why being pope is the easiest job in the world (part 2)

OK, so I get that Benedict is like 100 years old.  But you could be 150 year old  chimp and still do that job reasonably well.  First off, with enough funny hats and robes and a little bit of makeup (alright, maybe a little plastic surgery too), nobody would be able to tell you were a chimp.  Oh and you might need a few voice lessons, but John Paul II proved that you don't need much of a speaking voice.  Grunting is more than sufficient.
As with most things, the problem is that most people "over-think" it.  Now suppose that someone asks you some ridiculously tough question with no obvious right answer.  You don't have to be a genius to respond.  Here's all you gotta do.  Say, "Good question my son/daughter!  Let's pray together and see what God's answer is."  This will be enough for most people, because they will answer their own question and then say it's what God told them.  But for those who come back you can be like, "Oh, you again, eh?  Still didn't get an answer?  Did you read the Bible?  Twice?  And no skipping the boring parts!  That's what I thought!"  Note that actually, no matter how many times the person says he or she read the Bible, you will say, "Go back and read it ONE MORE TIME.  Oh, and make sure to pray (A LOT) for your answer while you're doing it."  If they still come back after that then you can lay some super-vague fortune cookie wisdom on them or quote them the lyrics of a pop song and if they still say, "How do you know that?" you just tell them, "Because I'm the Pope, that's why.  Next!"
Aside from that, being pope is just like being one of those mascot guys who get paid to dress in a costume outside some low rent business and dance around until people come inside.  Of course, if you're 150, you'll hire a "Pope double" or a "stunt Pope" to do those parts for you.

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