Friday, July 29, 2011

Polygamy Freak Warren Jeffs Defends Cult of Child Molesters

One man freakshow Warren Jeffs, self-proclaimed "prophet" of the separatist Fundamentalist LDS (FLDS aka "old school" Mormon) Church, has fired his lawyers and decided to defend himself and his proclivity for banging 12-year-old girls in "spiritual marriages".  Naturally, most legal experts don't think this is a good idea, considering that he can be facing up to life in prison.

However, it doesn't end there.  He apparently delivered a 55-minute sermon, not only defending plural marriage, but threatening that God would cause "sickness and death" upon those prosecuting him unless they dropped their charges and released him.  In other news, his dumb a*s is still in prison, his trial is still going on, and nobody is particularly afraid of his monster under the bed and things that go bump in the night style threats.  Of course when other fundamentalists say that god will send an earthquake, hurricane, etc to punish gay people, some still take that kind of nonsense seriously, so maybe Jeffs just isn't being grandiose and flamboyant enough.  

As far as polygamy goes, the Bible quite undeniably supported marriage to more than one woman at a time in the Old Testament.  Personally, I can't see what the attraction of having 70 wives to tell me I'm wrong would be when I already have one who is perfectly good at this.  Perhaps God thought the same thing. After all, poor Solomon reputedly had 1000 wives.  

So eternal God changed his eternal mind about multiple wives as christian dogma developed.  It is perhaps one of the few good idea that Christians had, to only have one wife, although they were far from originating the concept.  It's a lot less work, that's for sure.  I mean come on, it's not a machine, ladies.  There's only so much sauce in the squeeze bottle.  

Now this doesn't mean that people won't mess around.  They just have the sense to not get married to everyone they hop in the sack with.  Old Joseph Smith apparently lacked this sense.  He wanted to bed multiple women, but the mores of the time said that he couldn't do this without marrying them.  So he re-invented polygamy for Christians, and there have been problems ever since.  

People like Jeffs highlight just a few of the problems.  When one guy hogs all the broads then there are not enough for everyone else.  Furthermore, there is no way that you can have as dedicated a relationship, spreading your time between 70 women, as you could if you spent that time with just 1 woman.  And something else that old Jeffie hasn't thought about is that these women have needs of their own.  Even if you've got them locked down and believing that you have magic powers, they are gonna have the urge to get freaky with some other guy (or girl) when you're not around.  

Nope, sorry, 70 wives doesn't work.  It doesn't pass the sanity test.  Even players know that trying to juggle 70 different girlfriends isn't fun anymore.  Even if they are supposedly all "sister wives", there is going to be jealousy.  No wonder Jeffs looks so worn out.  It's a little known fact that he's actually only 23 and he just looks like he's in his 50's ;-)  

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