HornDog Herman Says He's Being "Smeared"...with oil or whip cream, baby?

In the tiny mind of Horndog Herman Cain, it is a "smear campaign" for people to report the fact that he signed legal documents giving five figure settlements to two woman who allege that he sexually harrassed them when he headed the National Restaurant Association from 1996 to 1999.  Now, I know you may be asking, what does he want smeared on him this time, oil or whip cream?  The fact that Horny Herman tried to lie about this case is the only thing that gave the story legs.  He first said it was unfounded, but you don't usually pay out up to $99,999 if the case has absolutely no merit at all.  He then said he didn't remember the case or the fact that he had signed the documents himself, 12 years ago.  Now I know 12 years is a long time, but I think most people would remember an accusation like this, unless these kinds of charges were made against him SO FREQUENTLY that he LOST TRACK.  One has to wonder if there are more bimbo eruptions waiting in the wings.  Herman, repeat after me, "I did NOT have sexual relations with those women..." .  
Come on now, surely he knew that something like this would cum up in the campaign eventually.  Apparently he didn't pay up enough to keep his woman problems under wraps.  Or maybe he will use the same excuse that he used about the electric fence on the border, where he first said, I was just JOKING, and then later said NO I WASN'T.  Maybe he thinks we all just need to get a SENSE OF HUMOR about sexual harrassment.  Hey, did you hear the one about the corrupt businessman who sexually harrassed two co-workers and then paid them five figure settlements?  Yeah, it cost him the presidential nomination...ha ha.  That was a gut buster.

Here's a hint for you Herman.  If Republicans had a SENSE OF HUMOR they wouldn't be Republicans anymore.  Then you would get even less votes.

Horny Herman 69-69-69 Cain: I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With Those Women

Old Herman 999 Cain might want to change his 999 plan to 69-69-69.   That is because it is being reported that two women received five-figure settlements after reporting sexually inappropriate conduct by Mr. 666 himself.   Cain insists that you shouldn't believe any of it because the sources are anonymous, but he knows very well that these settlements often have confidentiality requirements that requires that the women not discuss what happened.  That is precisely why they are paid the hush up money, and Cain is not fooling anyone by pretending to be ignorant of that fact.  That he got the National Restaurant Association to serve up some pay offs his dalliances is mighty convenient and sure beats having to pay five figures a piece out of his own pocket.  The only question is whether the five figure settlements were $66,666 or $99,999.  Does anybody think that Cain's denials are starting to sound like a Republican version of Slick Willy Clinton?  Just listen to Horny Herman say, "I didn't not have sexual relations with those women, Miss Lewinsky, or her co-worker...."  That why he had them paid off.  Gosh, Clinton should have thought of that.  Where was the National Restaurant Association when he needed them.

BTW, isn't it interesting that Horny Herman actually has devil horns in this picture?  

Herman 999 Cain has Devil Horns. See The Photographic Evidence.

Here is a picture of Cain in Iowa.

WTF is that THING on the side of his head toward the back?  Also, it looks like there is something coming curved coming out of it.  Now maybe he just effed up in shaving, or perhaps it is simply the scar left by his most recent lobotomy.  However, since Halloween is almost upon us, I dare say that it also looks like it is in exactly the right spot for it to be a DEVIL HORN.  Sheesh, some guys have all the luck.  Cain doesn't even have to buy a mask or costume for Halloween, because he's scary looking enough all by himself.  Perhaps they forgot to send this photo through the airbrushing and photoshopping process and the camera was a little bit too Candid about this this Candidate.  It would appear that this is MORE EVIDENCE that Herman Cain is the Antichrist.  At least it's more evidence than most people have had so far when they have made similar claims about virtually every major leader for the past few centuries.  Not that I think that Herman Cain is going to get that far, but he certainly is frightening enough to make people want to throw candy at him to get him to go away.

McCain Sez Obama's Bus Is Ugly

John McCain, not to be confused with Herman 666 Cain, told media that Obama has an "ugly" tour bus.  Obama was quoted as replying to McCain, "Yeah, well you have ugly FACE, biatch!" and followed it up by "That's why I effed you like a $5 hoe in the last election."  No, actually Obama didn't say that, because that would have proven that he still had at least one ball between his legs.  However, perhaps if Obama would fire all his political advisors and hire someone who knows what the eff he is doing, like yours truly, then he will end up spanking Herman "antichrist" Cain just as badly as he spanked John McCain and that real $5 hoe, Sarah P.

Herman 666 Cain Sez "Joke" about Electric Fence Not A Joke After All

Herman Cain said he was just "joking" about an electric fence on the border to keep out Mexicans.  However, within 24 hours he has FLIP FLOPPED and now says he thinks it's a pretty darn good idea.  Later when questioned about what he was going to have for breakfast he said he would have waffles, and then changed his mind to flap jacks with eggs flipped over and over and over again.  According to the candidate for FLOPPER-in CHIEF he said, "It WAS a joke to the extent in the context of the views of that speech, but in terms of what we need to do, I fully intend to do so."  Of course, this is par for the couse for Cain who had announced that he was going to drop out of the presidential campaign in order to do a book tour just  before his numbers started to go up in the polls.  Now he figures he can make more money by shaking down GOP suckers for campaign contributions than he ever could by pimping some lame, inarticulately written book, which will end up being recycled for toilet paper in a years time anyway, if it's even any good for that.