Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Rubio Finally Figured Out How Old Earth Is
Last month right-wing extremist Marco Rubio made headlines by pretending that he "wasn't sure" how old the Earth was, as a sop to know-nothing Creationists and other religious extremists who make up his political base. Now, after widespread mockery, Rubio has apparently decided that it wasn't so hard after all, and that he doesn't need a time machine to travel back and verify that the Earth is around 4.5 billion years old. Most people were reconciled with this information in a Middle School Earth Science class, but apparently, it has taken Rubio all this time to figure out basic results of science. Naturally, however, he has decided that this new information cannot possibly conflict with Roman Catholicism. What a surprise. The Earth has been around for billions of years, while the church has only been around for less than two millennia, but apparently all those billions of years were just wasted until Jesus came along and founded his fortune cookie religion. Jesus even makes reference to the days of Noah, but this doesn't bother Rubio, because fortune cookies can always be read in very vague ways, especially if one squints.